In today’s fast-paced digital world, where conversations around sex are often dominated by influencers and social media, one pastor is challenging the norms by bringing these discussions back to their roots—in the church and the family. With a unique blend of transparency and boldness, he is breaking the silence that often surrounds these topics in religious spaces and homes alike.
Meet Pastor Eric Kellum.
Breaking the Silence on Sex in the Church
For many pastors, talking about sex from the pulpit can be a daunting task. It’s a topic that is often sidestepped, leaving congregants to seek guidance elsewhere. However, for Pastor Kellum, the conversation is not complicated—it’s necessary.
“People are often amazed by my transparency and ability to say things that a lot of pastors don’t,” he says. “But I don’t look at it like that. We need to normalize the conversation about sex, both in our homes and in the church. After all, God created sex, so church leaders should be the primary ones leading the conversation, not TikTok or Instagram influencers.”
The reluctance of many church leaders to address sex, he suggests, may stem from a fear of offending congregants or even a deeper, more personal struggle. “Sometimes, offerings influence what is preached behind the pulpit,” he admits. “It may also be complicated for some leaders because they are either dealing with shame from their past or are still bound by certain issues. In such cases, they are less likely to discuss it openly.”
Another challenge, he notes, is that many pastors lack a deeper understanding of the purpose of sex as intended by God. “Saying ‘wait until you get married’ feels so cliché and outdated in 2024, with everything society is putting in front of people. Most church leaders don’t have a fuller revelation of why God created sex, and they probably get exhausted just saying ‘don’t’ without being able to articulate the ‘why’. But I believe God has shown me the ‘why’.”
This revelation, he explains, has radically transformed his own marriage, and he feels compelled to share it with others. “It’s pivotal to save sex as an exclusive marital communication. It has radically changed my marriage, and I want to help others—both married and single—experience the same transformation.”
Fatherhood: A More Personal Challenge
When it comes to discussing sex, the pastor finds that the conversation is even more challenging in his role as a father. “As a father, you dread hearing, ‘Well, you wilded-out and did what you wanted to do sexually, and you turned out okay.’ Fathers don’t want to hear that because they often don’t know how to combat that statement,” he says.
Reflecting on his own experience, he shares that it took him 15 years into his marriage to truly become “okay.” “I had gotten into so many things as a child and preteen that I didn’t realize I was infecting my marriage. It can be tougher for dads because most don’t want to share their history—there’s too much shame attached to it. But if dads don’t share, how can a child see that it’s not okay to experiment sexually?”
The Importance of Conversations on Intimacy
While conversations about sex are crucial, Pastor Kellum believes that discussions around intimacy are even more vital. “It’s very important that dads talk to their sons about sex, but it’s equally, if not more, important that they talk about intimacy.”
He explains that many men have a limited understanding of intimacy, often viewing it solely through a sexual lens. “Men need to learn intimacy, expand their emotional intelligence, and become emotionally available. High sexual behavior among men is often more than just being horny—it’s about using sex as a vice or a drug because they don’t know how to manage their emotions.”
This was a personal struggle for him as well. “If I was victorious in something, I wanted to celebrate by having sex. If I was sad, I wanted to take my mind off the pain by having sex. If I was frustrated, I wanted to escape and feel a sense of control through sex. For many men, sex is an unhealthy vehicle used to work through uncomfortable emotions.”
He emphasizes that it’s crucial for fathers to guide their sons not only in matters of sex but also in understanding and practicing intimacy. “But I don’t know if many fathers know how.”
From Personal Struggles to Public Platforms
The pastor’s journey from personal struggles to a platform where he openly discusses sex and intimacy was driven by his own experiences. “I saw how sex almost destroyed my marriage. I saw how my decisions to dabble in porn, masturbation, and sexual encounters as a young boy were infecting my marriage, and I never even saw it coming,” he says, injecting humor into the conversation with a lighthearted pun.
However, his journey doesn’t end with destruction—it’s a story of redemption and healing. “God totally revolutionized my sex life. I’m no longer addicted to porn or masturbation, and I no longer struggle with premature ejaculation—without the use of pills. My wife and I now have a very healthy relationship.”
Recognizing that many men share similar experiences, he feels a deep sense of responsibility to help others. “So many men have had the same exposures and sexual experimentation as youth. Many have hurt their wives and damaged their marriages because of their sexual decisions. They are not equipped to be models of sexual integrity for their children, and they have compromised their purpose in the pursuit of lusts. I felt compelled to push beyond the awkwardness of talking about these issues and hopefully use what worked for me to help other men.”
Intimacy: The Foundation of Healthy Marriages
A deeper understanding of intimacy, Pastor Kellum believes, is the key to healthier marriages. “Sex is supposed to be the by-product of intimacy. Without intimacy, sex reduces us to animals that are just mating. Intimacy means ‘into me you see.’ You see my spirit, my soul, my thoughts, and my emotions. And not only do you see me—you accept me.”
He laments that many couples don’t reach this level of intimacy, often allowing sex to become a distraction. “Sex can mask deeper issues. But we all have a goal to pursue intimacy—with God, with our spouse, with our children, and with ourselves.”
However, achieving this level of intimacy can be challenging, especially if one has never experienced it. “How do I pursue intimacy with my spouse if I never grew up in a house where I could be intimate? And how do I pursue intimacy with my spouse if I don’t know how to be intimate with myself or with God?”
Envisioning a New Model for Modern Manhood
His vision for modern manhood is one where men lead the conversation on intimacy, both in their homes and in their communities. “I envision men leading prayer, worshiping God without shame before their families. I see men leading soulful check-ins with their wives and showing affection to their children, especially their sons.”
He shares a personal example of how he has implemented this vision in his own life. “I started kissing my son on the cheek and telling him ‘I love you’ when he was three years old. Now, at 23, I still do it. I did that intentionally because I wanted him to be emotionally available when he would one day be a husband and father.”
Unfortunately, this is a rare expression of affection between a father and their sons, but if more men initiated healthy intimate expression with their sons, it could empower them to be emotionally available for the families they will one day lead.
Breaking the stereotype that intimacy is a “woman thing,” Pastor Kellum proudly embraces his emotions. “I am a masculine man, but sometimes I just need to cry. That doesn’t take away from my manhood—it makes me more of a man. Even Jesus wept!”